About Me

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I am never looking for the typical life experience. I spend so much time pondering the many facets of what makes life fun and interesting that it came time to start voicing those thoughts for a greater purpose than my own advancement as a higher life-form. Thus begat the musings of a queer otter. You can find me in the Denver area as a co-host for the kinky/sensual Spa Day, at various Leather and Kink events around Colorado, or riding one of the many buses and trains in our lovely metropolitan area. I'm also actively recording and working on a podcast with my lovely partner Lady Bandita that focusses on sex-positive culture and our take on sexuality as a whole.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Excuse me. Do I feel a connection here?

Struggle is the easiest and coincidentally most ambiguous word I can come up with to describe the feelings I've been going through when dealing with connections.  I find it incredibly frustrating that I quite often can't come up with easy ways to explain that a connection doesn't exist for me with individuals even though they have this "cupid has stuck me in the ass with an arrow" moment.  I feel this is a good point in my writing to make the disclaimer that I in no way think that I am the most amazingly sexy and appealing man in the universe, and everyone should swoon over me.  It is quite to the contrary actually.  Any of my loved ones will tell you I'm most often receiving compliments with the remarks, "Thanks!  I'm just me.  I'm a person just like you." 

Here ensues the dilemma.  I've found myself quite often in a position where I am approached with the semi-logical thought process of, "I like _____ , and you like _____ , so it only makes sense that we should do _____ together.  When are you available?"  Well....  It doesn't appear to be quite that easy, actually.  I'm not saying I'm not easy.  On the contrary, I'm quite the accomplished slut.  However, doing _____ with just anyone is not an option.  I'm a slut with standards you see, standards of attraction; but those standards aren't always as logical as I'd like.

Do you need an example?  I sure do!  I feel it needs to not be reiterated that I am a kinky bastard that is quite involved in my local BDSM community, but I do realize there may be readers that haven't been introduced to that fact.  I'm also quite accomplished with rope bondage and in particular the Japanese style.  I'm also quite an accomplished rope bondage bottom.  (Not to be read as tooting my own horn)  So I'm out and about several times a week tying innocent sexy people up, or being tied up as well.  The issue comes into play when I encounter the idea that I am just a toy that can be passed around at will for anyone that wishes to tie me up.  Sometimes it isn't a person passing me around; but still the idea is out there that because I like to be tied up and am being tied up by multiple people at any given time, I therefore should like to be tied up by anyone and should find it a privilege to be tied up by such and such a person that expresses interest.  It's hard for me, at this point, to feel like I'm not being an exclusive asshole because I quite often play with new people; but there's just not a connection for me here.  I run the conversation in my head after this.  Such and such a person then says, "Well I think it would be fun because I want to play with you."  At which point I say, "But I don't really feel that connection."  Such and such says, "Well there has to be a connection because I have one...." 

For me it's 99.9% impossible to explain that connection.  I've learned that the connection-meter is much more impossible to predict than I'd like it to be.  I've encountered people that in theory I should have an amazing connection with and it just never works, and there have been others that in theory are completely and utterly not the kind of person I should have a connection with and the connection is amazing nonetheless.  So I'm beginning to give up on trying to use my words.  I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to have to rely on the good old, time tested approach of using the absolutely ambiguous explanation of, "I just don't feel a connection."

This whole subject is really hard for me to even deal with because in my ideal world I would play with anyone and everyone that expressed interest, who wasn't out to harm me in a nonconsensual way, so that everyone could walk away from the experience happy and edified.  Unfortunately I just can't bring myself to that place.  I've passed up experiences with terribly attractive and amazing individuals just because a connection never evolved.  So I try to rationalize saying no, and now I've talked my way into something I think is an issue that needs further addressing.  Why should I have to feel bad about saying no?  I'm going to have to sit on that one for a while, but keep a look out for a continuation of this.  I'm suddenly a bit disturbed that I feel this "guilt" about not doing something I don't feel excited about in the first place.



  1. Don't ever feel bad about saying no. "No" is one of the most difficult words for many - if not most (myself included) - to say. But boundaries are important, and although some will be put off, YOUR happieness and well-being - both physical and emotional - are top priority.

    It's okay, and, you should never be made to feel guilty about your choices.

    Be well,


  2. Thanks Bubbinga! I'm never afraid of saying no, and in fact I say it a lot. I also completely understand the importance of healthy boundaries. I'm one of the best at establishing those boundaries. I was just kind of surprised to find this "guilt" I have over refusing people. Thanks so much for adding to the discussion!

  3. Hello Otter...I so relate. I find it interesting as polyamorous people that we go from the guilt of oh dear I have a crush on more then one person to...Oh dear...I can not possibly muster a crush on everyone...even if they have one on me. Polyamory is more meaningful when we occasionally take the time to skim off the cream and throw out the sour milk. You can only LOVE so many. ;-) Beside if you love rope as much as I do...and I know you do...you want Rope to mean something to you. Just because someone else loves rope also...does not mean you will love it with them...you might need to love them first. Sometime I think "players" forget the romance.